Suffering Should NOT be Silenced

Hi All,

Happy Wednesday! I hope you are all enjoying your day thus far! These last few weeks have not been easy for me. I switched up my diet for experimental reasons, I was not motivated to work out, my body broke out in acne, and I gained close to 10 pounds! (Disclaimer: God bless Vegans! It’s not for everybody, and I am happy to eat chicken again)! My mood was also off, and I did not want to share it with anyone. I felt I needed to keep my anxiety and depression to myself for the fear of being judged by others. It went on for 2.5 weeks, waking up in the middle of the night or not sleeping and even a panic attack! I had a panic attack 2 years ago at the gym after a breakup, but this one felt as if my whole world was changing at 4am. I refused to share my pain and remained silent until I told my coach. She and I walked through the details, and I made a decision to go back to eating meat and carbohydrates again.

Suddenly my mood shifted, and I was able to rejoin society. I went to the gym on Monday feeling unmotivated, but a lot of that had to do with sprinting right before I arrived! As soon as it came time to lifting heavy weights, my adrenaline kicked in and it was off to the races. Despite the sudden burst, I left the gym feeling defeated and anxious again. Someone triggered my mood as I were leaving, and it shut everything off. I went into full panic, but this time I did not break my silence until now. It’s amazing how we can let a few words or someone else’s mood dictate and shift ours. Later that evening, a friend sent me a message. The message said, “The only person who should ever be in your head is the baddest and strongest person you know, and that must always be YOU. You must always be the alpha in your own brain. That’s the secret to life. You gotta make your mind as strong as you’ve made your body. You need to be able to squat 280 with your mind, power clean 160 with your mind, dead lift 325 with your mind. Read your way into that mindset. Trust me. That’s how you do it!”

Again, back to a better mood! But why the sudden changes? Why the shifts? Well for one, I was not afraid to speak up and tell him how I felt before we started the workout. I told him how I was feeling and what I was going through that day. I forgot I spoke my truth to someone who was willing to listen and who cared. That made me feel lighter, but I let someone else influence my thought pattern. The point is, it’s okay to have mood swings (maybe I have bipolar disorder and it’s not diagnosed?), cravings and cheat meals. I AM HUMAN! But the bigger moral of the story here is to not stay silent; speak up when there is an issue! That’s why we are here, right? We were placed inside this space, our bodies, to speak from our souls and not be afraid to say what we need. Everybody has a voice, and I am telling you right now sometimes I wish someone would shut me up. Other days I wish someone would ask me how I were feeling instead of shrugging me off as if I do not exist.

We are all here for a reason and here for a purpose. If you know what that purpose is, please share it. Never silence the suffering or the voices you have in your head. Journals are a powerful tool to share messages and so is therapy or the gym. Please do not be afraid to be yourself! If you ever feel alone, know that I am here for you. I will help you share your story, your voice and make sure you are heard just as I was on Monday afternoon!

xoxo B



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